


Mystery Baby

by BitterChocolateStars



Series: Love Is Complicated [4]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Aliens, Avengernapped, Babies, Crack, Hulk and Bruce meet their biggest fan, Tony kinda has feels, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-05
Updated: 2013-02-05
Packaged: 2017-11-28 08:41:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/672454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterChocolateStars/pseuds/BitterChocolateStars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just because he spent years wandering the world helping the sick does not mean Bruce Banner knows how to take care of children.</p>
<p>Tony Stark doesn't trust that baby and Thor needs to learn how to use his indoor voice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mystery Baby

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this and i can't tell if it's crack or not.... crack with a plot?

* * *

**Just because he spent years wandering the world helping the sick does not mean Bruce Banner knows how to take care of children.**

* * *

 

Bruce stirred from his sleep not knowing what had disturbed him, until he opened his eyes and caught sight of a small pale [form](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8793717/4/Love-Is-Complicated) lying atop the blankets. He took multiple deep breaths because Hulking out with a baby in the bed would not be a good thing to do at eight in the morning. He sat up and looked down at the small child dressed in a pale green jumper, its short wavy pale blond hair sticking up in every direction. It was kinda cute; Bruce thought to himself, he had always liked children.

He was struck with another panicked thought.

_'Why is there a baby in my bed?!'_

**XxXOoOXxX**

"Tony!" Bruce's voice comes over the sound of music on the lab, a hint of horror and fear in it. Tony drops his tools and starts for the door but Bruce is already there pale and a look of confusion on his face.

"What's up big guy?" Tony asks cautiously stepping closer and placing a reassuring hand on the physicists shoulder.

'Tony... why is there a baby on my bed?" Bruce asks calmly and slowly, but it still takes a minute for the words to sink on.

"Baby?" Tony repeats the word with the same amount of confusion as Bruce.

"Yes Tony, baby, why is there one on my bed?"

"I-...l don't know." Tony says weakly because really what is he going to say to that. Bruce [studies](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8793717/4/Love-Is-Complicated) him closely for a full minute before turning and heading back towards the elevators, Tony follows behind keeping pace with Bruce till both are on the elevator.

"Wait did you leave the baby alone?" Tony asks horrified, even he knows it's bad to leave babies alone. Bruce just gives Tony a look.

"Alright dumb question." Tony admits.

"Jarvis, why is there a baby on Dr. Banner's bed?" Tony asks the AI, Bruce feels like hitting himself for not thinking of that sooner but then again he had woken up to find a small child curled up on his bed.

"I'm not sure sir; the baby seems to have just appeared out of thin air, there seems to be no sign of forced entry and no sign of anyone else unauthorized to be in the tower."

"...Weird."

"It's going to be a long day isn't it?" Bruce sighs.

**XxXOoOXxX**

When they reached Bruce's floor Tony finds himself shocked to see Pepper there bouncing a small bundle of joy on her lap. She looks up at both men with a sharp glare, Tony doesn't understand why until she speaks.

"Honestly Bruce you should be ashamed, leaving a baby alone with Capitan America."

Now Tony's looking horrified.

"Really Bruce you left the mystery baby with Capsical?"

"When I got here he looked like he was holding a live grenade, when I asked him what happened he shook his head and ran from the room apologizing."

Bruce looks sheepish and fidgets. "He seemed fine when I asked him to watch the baby, and isn't he supposed to be mister apple pie and family values?"

Tony starts to laugh but it dies in his throat as Pepper gives him a look.

"Will one of you just explain the baby?"

"Alright first off this isn't my fault." Tony says moving to sit down in the couch.

"Shut up Tony." Pepper sighs.

"The baby was there when I woke up."

"It was just there?" Pepper asks skeptically as Bruce takes a seat across from her and Tony.

"According to JARVIS the baby appeared out of thin air." Tony says snickering.

"Yeah maybe the stork decided to pop by for a visit." Bruce jokes, causing Tony to laugh and Pepper to sigh in frustration.

"Alright because I can already see this discussion going nowhere fast how about I take the baby with me." Pepper says moving to stand. The baby makes an unhappy noise and floats from Pepper's arms and heads straight for Bruce, who looks shocked and a little terrified as the baby settles itself in his lap.

"Did that baby just fly?" Tony whispers the question like he's afraid the baby will hear him. The baby gurgles happily and starts playing with Bruce's shirt changing the color of it from purple to blue to a mix of the two. The three adults are nearly afraid to make any sudden movements but then Tony's phone goes off startling the child. A shrill cry pierces the air sending Pepper and Tony to their knees while Bruce seems unaffected by it.

"Bruce. fix. it." Tony grounds out covering his ears. Bruce has no idea what to do so he does what Tony would do in any situation; he wings it and hopes for the best.

"Shhh, it's alright, there there nothing to cry over." He coos softly rubbing the child's back in small circular motions. This seems to calm the baby and Pepper and Tony are able to get back on their feet, eyeing the baby cautiously.

"Right so... no phones and the baby doesn't leave Banner's side, got it, JARVIS send up some supplies and one of those sling things for the baby."

"Right away sir."

"Tony you can't be serious; there is way too much danger for a baby to be with me all day." Bruce says with a horrified look on his face. Pepper sends him a reassuring smile.

"Bruce honey I'm sure you'll be fine, the baby seems to like you after all." Though she doesn't add the part where he seems to be unaffected by whatever just happened, and she doesn't thinks that it's because of his giant green anger problem.

"It's just until we find its parents."

"What am I supposed to do until then?" Bruce asks helplessly.

"Didn't you travel the world taking care of children doc?"

"Tony it's not the same." Bruce barely keeps himself from whining, but Pepper can see the near panic in his eyes.

"Don't worry Bruce, Tony will help you." Pepper said before walking from the room.

Tony looks horrified and starts shake his head but the look of desperation on Bruce's face stops him. He heaves a sigh and makes sure to look put upon.

"Yeah I guess I can help you out." He huffs and flops down on the couch.

"Thank you Tony." Bruce says sending him a smile before looking back down at the baby. "You know, I wonder what sent Cap running, other than the creepy shrieking and flying the baby seems fine."

**XxXOoOXxX**

"Is that a baby?" Was the first thing out of Clint's mouth when Tony and Bruce finally decided to stop hiding up in the penthouse of the tower.

"Yes it's a baby." Bruce says sitting down at the kitchen table with the other three, careful not to jostle the baby in the sling around too much.

"Friend Banner I did not know you had a child!" Thor said with his booming voice. Tony's eyed go wide and Bruce is too late to shush him. The baby starts to sniffle in fright.

"Oh god Thor why?!" Tony says moving to hide behind Bruce right before the fruit bowl on the table explodes. Natasha and Clint are on the floor; Thor merely sits where he is, shards of the ceramic bowl and fruit bouncing off him, looking confused.

"Bruce… what's with the magic mystery baby?!" Clint asks peeking over the edge of the table.

"No idea it was in my bed when I woke up." He says trying to calm the baby down by playing with it.

"It seems attached so I suggest no one move to take it away from him because it has one hell of a scream, I mean it almost ruptured mine and Pepper's ear drums." Tony said moving to sit in the chair nest to Bruce. Natasha and Clint pick themselves up from the floor and sit back in their seats careful of the bowl shards and fruit pieces.

"What is it?" Natasha asks.

"No clue, it's not human if you couldn't already tell." Tony answers poking at a piece of an orange.

"No I meant is it a boy or girl." At the scientist's looks of dawning confusion she sighs. "You didn't even look did you?"

"Well, that would have been kinda rude." Tony said before Bruce can answer. Natasha narrows her eyes at him.

"We didn't think to check, I mean it was kinda shocking waking up to the baby being there in the first place, I wasn't really worried about whether it was a boy or a girl." Bruce interjected before they could start fighting. Natasha nodded accepting the answer before looking down at the baby.

"You should check." Clint said still eyeing the baby warily.

"Alright." Bruce said lifting the baby out of the sling and sitting it on the table and hesitated.

"Do you want me to do it?" Natasha asked seeing Bruce's hesitation.

"Yeah."

She stood up and made her way over to his side of the table. Bending down she unclasped the bottom of the blue jumper and moved it out of the way. She looked shock and quickly buttoned the jumper back up.

"Nat?" Clint questioned standing.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Thor asked.

"It is… nether." She said stepping back.

"What do you mean?" Tony asked looking at the baby with caution again.

"It has no defining parts."

"You mean it's a hermaphrodite?" Bruce asked standing up now.

"Yes." She took a step back and sent a look to Clint.

"Hey Bruce why don't you go grab something to eat for the baby." Clint suggested.

"Yeah it has to be hungry by now." He said picking up the baby and leaving the room.

"There's something weird about that baby." Tony said as soon at the door clicked shut. Thor nodded.

"Your right there is something weird, I do not think it is a smart idea to leave Bruce alone with it for long." Natasha said glaring at the door.

"Nat what happened, it wasn't the fact that it had no parts that shocked you was it?" Clint asked, Natasha nodded.

"When I touched it, I saw images of a place that looked familiar, Bruce was there only he wasn't himself he was blank."

"Blank?" Thor asked.

"No emotions, it didn't look like he was aware of his surroundings."

"Alright that's enough for me, we need to get the creepy mystery baby away from him without explosions or burst ear drums." Tony said standing up.

**CRASH**

The four Avengers rushed through the kitchen door. Bruce stood in the middle of the room, a plate of food shattered on the floor, his eyes glazed over. The baby floated in front of him a tiny hand stretched out and placed on his forehead.

"THE FUCK?!" Tony shouted. The baby's head snapped around, its eyes blazed red and it started screeching. They dropped to their knees covering their ears.

"JARVIS tell Steve to get his shield!"

"Right away sir, may I suggest someone stop the child's screaming."

"Thor?" Natasha suggested but the demi god shook his head.

"I will not hit a child."

"Thor that is not a normal-"

There was a bright flash followed by silence. When they looked Bruce and the baby were gone.

"Son of a bitch!" Tony fumed standing and storming from the room. The others stood up and followed him out.

"JARVIS contact Pepper tell her we have a situation with the baby."

"Tony what's going on?" Steve asked as he came through the door shield in hand.

"Steve where have you been Bruce just got Avengernapped!?" Tony scolded as he passed by.

"Avenger…napped?" He questioned following behind Tony and the others.

"Tony, wait you don't even know where you're going." Clint said as they all reached the elevators.

"I don't but Widow does."

"She does?" Thor asked looking down at her.

"Yup, that place you saw in your head, you said it looked familiar, meaning you've been there before."

"Yes it was where I first met him, that shack in Calcutta."

"Then that's where we're headed." He said stepping out of the elevator and smacking right into a very tall vary purple man.

"Holy Crap!" He yelled jumping backwards. The rest of the team tensed ready to fight.

"Calm down protectors of earth, we have come seeking our child." The man said bowing slightly.

"I'm guessing you're talking about the mystery baby that just kidnapped our friend." Tony said scowling at the purple man.

"Oh dear, fear not he will not harm your friend."

"How do you know?" Clint asked suspicious. The purple man smiled.

"He is the hulks biggest fan."

"Of course he is." Tony muttered.

**XxXoOoXxX**

"This is where he was living before, man am I glad I made him stay at the tower, I mean a brain like his needs lots of room and fun toys." Tony muttered as they walked up to the small shack.

"Stark, maintain radio silence." Steve sighed; he had known the billionaire would say something like that.

"Sure Capitan Prude, what's our plan of attack?"

"We're going to let the child's father go in and get the child, we'll follow behind and grab Bruce." He ordered.

"Shall we go in earth heroes?" the purple man asked.

"After you." Steve said gesturing to the door. They followed after the man as he walked through the open doorway.

Bruce sat in the middle of the room; blank faced and glazed over eyes. The child sat in his lap giggling happily until it saw them.

"Mishka release the human." The purple man said to the child sternly. The baby growled and pouted.

"No Mishka you must give him back to his friends." Purple man said stepping closer and reaching for the child. The child grumbled and floated toward his father. Bruce seemed to come back to himself, blinking and looking around in confusion.

"Where am I?" he asked out loud looking over at Tony in confusion.

"Calcutta." Tony answered. Before Bruce could ask why, the purple man spoke up, his son nestled in his arms.

"Forgive my son mighty warrior of Earth, he only wished to meet you, but he seemed to have gotten carried away." Bruce looked startled for only a second before schooling his face into a neutral expression.

"Uh… no harm done I guess, it was nice to meet him too."

The purple man nodded before turning to the others.

"We must go now; I hope we meet again soon." There was a bright light and then the man and child were gone.

"So mystery baby's, visits from aliens, trips to the middle of nowhere, it's been a fun day but I'd really like to go home now." Bruce says standing up from floor and moving toward the others only to have Tony grab him by the shoulders and shake him a little.

"Bruce, what did the baby do to you?"

"What do you mean?"

"The big purple guy told us on the way over here that the baby was showing you something, what was it?" Clint asked. Bruce's face turned red and he started to shake his head.

"It was kinda about the future, I'll tell you more later." He mumbled prying Tony's hands from his shoulders.

"Was it embarrassing?" Tony asked with a smirk.

"Tony drop it, or I won't tell you." Bruce said pushing past him.

"Was it about me?" He asked following Bruce and the others out the door.

"Shut up Tony!" Bruce's ears were turning red.

"It was about me wasn't it?!" Tony pressed a huge grin on his face.

"Oh my god, drop it!" Bruce groaned, his entire face burning red.

"Was I naked?"

"Tony!"


End file.
